• Question: What is the main reason that relationships fail?

    Asked by Axel69 to Ben, Sam, Kirsty, Maggi, Rose on 12 Jun 2017.
    • Photo: Rose Turner

      Rose Turner answered on 12 Jun 2017:

      That’s a really interesting question. I’m not sure there is one main reason – sometimes two people just don’t match up because they don’t have the same interests, or sometimes circumstances get in the way. For me, a key issue is communication. If you can find a way of communicating so that when you disagree with someone you can work through it and see it from both sides without it turning into a big argument, then that helps a lot.

    • Photo: Maggi Laurie

      Maggi Laurie answered on 12 Jun 2017:

      Someone asked a similar question about what ‘cements’ relationships, and I pretty much said the same as Rose.

      I’ll add on that I think relationships fail because something isn’t ‘matching’ between the two people, but I don’t you necessarily have to ‘match’ everything with two people, what stops relationships from failing is some communication, understanding, and resolution/acceptance to whatever the problem or ‘non-matching’ thing is. For example, say you like chips but your partner doesn’t – to most people this isn’t going to be a make or break deal and the two people can form some acceptance of the fact one partner does not like the same as another. But for other things that don’t match, such as place you want to live, or something more personal, the resolution might not be so simple and this might cause the relationship to fail.

    • Photo: Sam Carr

      Sam Carr answered on 12 Jun 2017:

      There are so many reasons why relationships “fail.” It’s a massive (but brilliant) question and to answer it I think it’s worth thinking about the following:

      What does it mean to say that a relationship has “failed”? Does it mean that a relationship has “failed” just because a couple aren’t together any longer? Or can a relationship “fail” even though you’re still together? I think the first thing for relationship scientists to do is to work out what “fail” means here – and there can never be a “correct” answer to that. What do you think “fail” means?

      My first romantic relationship was with Lucy – we were together for 10 years – it started when I was 16 and ended when I was 26. In the end, we outgrew each other and had become different people in the decade we were together. It was a messy break up, it involved cheating, arguments, pain, and grief. Did the relationship “fail”? Well, you could say that it “failed” because we’re not together now. But some relationship scientists believe that every relationship has to end – and this one did too. In the time Lucy and I were together we gave each other an awful lot. We loved each other. We helped each other grow. We supported each other through a period of our lives. We gave each other a gift. Now I’d look back and say that it really didn’t “fail” – the relationship was a really important part of our personal development and of our lives.

      So, as a relationship scientist I’d say the first thing to do here is to contemplate – “what is a failed relationship in the first place”? And who says so?

    • Photo: Kirsty Miller

      Kirsty Miller answered on 12 Jun 2017:

      The others have given fab answers, but one thing I’d add to that is trust… If trust breaks down in a relationship then no matter what else you have, it won’t work.
      I think Sam’s point is a really good one though – a romantic relationship might break down but the couple still remain close friends. In this situation, you probably wouldn’t say that the relationship has failed as such, it’s just changed… I get your point though – if one person wanted to stay in the relationship but the other wanted just to be friends then it would probably be considered a failure! Interestingly though, trust, communication etc. is necessary regardless of the type of relationship – friends, or romantic partners.

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