• Question: What do you think cements a relationship between two people?

    Asked by jimmybtac100 to Ben, Sam, Kirsty, Maggi, Rose on 12 Jun 2017.
    • Photo: Maggi Laurie

      Maggi Laurie answered on 12 Jun 2017:

      I think there’s lots of things which are important and helpful for ‘cementing’ a relationship, like minimal distance (e.g. living closely), and similar interests and beliefs. But I think the most important thing is a mutual understanding or agreement of relationship terms, that can go above the things which a typically important. For example, if the two people in the relationship understand and are both (currently, at least) that they live far apart, then this negates the need to live closely. If the two people can communicate and reach consensus on the things about the relationship which are most important for them, I think that is what cements the relationship. This is my hunch, maybe one of the other psychologists in the zone could confirm with actual research!

    • Photo: Sam Carr

      Sam Carr answered on 12 Jun 2017:

      One of my favourite theories in psychology is a theory called self-determination theory. It has some very basic and fundamental things that it says make it more likely that a relationship will be experienced as loving, respectful, and something people WANT to remain part of – not something they feel they HAVE to remain part of.

      Self-determination theory would argue that people will be most likely drawn to their partners on a deeper level if the relationship helps them feel: (1) Competence (does your partner help you to feel good about yourself or do they make you feel bad about yourself), (2) Autonomy (are you allowed to be yourself in your relationship – in the truest sense – or do you feel controlled and unable to be who you really are), and (3) relatedness (do you feel cared about and loved and able to care about and love the other person in return).

      There are lots of studies to show that when one person in the relationship begins to feel that competence, autonomy, and relatedness are missing then the relationship can quickly begin to disintegrate.

      They are very “big” things that I think all good relationships probably have to some degree. Beyond that there are many, many other things. Sexual chemistry isn’t mentioned above but it is critical to many relationships. Compatibility can really matter to some people – but not be an issue to others.

      And then there’s the idea that what makes each relationship “work” is different from couple to couple. Perhaps we can’t ever locate a secret ingredient that all relationships need to have in order to “work” because maybe there isn’t such a secret ingredient?

    • Photo: Rose Turner

      Rose Turner answered on 13 Jun 2017:

      There have been some headline-hitting studies that have shown that we are drawn to the smells of people who are genetically different to ourselves (because, as the theory goes, having kids with them means we’d produce the best offspring!) or that we are drawn to people who look similar to us. However there are also social factors at play, such as how close we are to that person (in a literal sense – i.e. long distance relationships can be hard to maintain because, as Maggi points out, being close to another person and spending time with them is important to lots of relationships). Social Identity Theory suggests that people’s sense of self depends on the groups that they are members of, and sometimes relationships can give us access to, or strengthen our position within, certain social groups. That sense of belonging is really important to us humans – we’re a very social species! (From an evolutionary perspective, groups are important because they offer us protection).

      That’s a bit of theory, but from my experience, a relationship feels cemented when you have spent enough time together, and your lives have become intertwined enough, so that you feel strongly your lives are connected, and therefore you have a lot of common ground (and you can fall back on this in the rocky patches!) Then, even if you part ways, you can sometimes still feel very connected to that person, which can be the basis for a really positive friendship in the future.

    • Photo: Kirsty Miller

      Kirsty Miller answered on 16 Jun 2017:

      Hey, great question! I think really what cements it is trust and good communication. If you trust your partner (or even a friend – it doesn’t have to be romantic) and are able to talk through any issues that arise, then I think you’re pretty much sorted!

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