• Question: Does sex in a relationship impact on the emotional connection between people?

    Asked by 637reah38 to Ben, Sam, Kirsty, Rose on 21 Jun 2017.
    • Photo: Rose Turner

      Rose Turner answered on 21 Jun 2017:

      I think the emotional connection between people is related to a number of factors and sex could be one of those. Trust, for example, is important in emotional intimacy, and I think trust is important to sex too. Trust can be compromised if someone does something in sex that the other person doesn’t like or want. On the other hand, sex can be very positive emotionally and it can make people feel very close and very connected. It can also support and build trust. However, as I mentioned, sex is only one factor in emotional intimacy. Plenty of people are emotionally connected without any sex at all! So it’s really about what works for the particular couple. 🙂

    • Photo: Sam Carr

      Sam Carr answered on 21 Jun 2017:

      I think that sex “can” be an incredibly intimate and incredibly connecting experience. It can also be an incredibly non-intimate and disconnecting experience.

      When sex between two people feels consensual, like both partners really “want” to be part of the experience, like both partners are able to satisfy the other’s desires and feel that their own desires are satisfied too – sex can really facilitate feelings of emotional bonding, connection, love, and intimacy. In this sense, sex certainly can impact emotional connection in a very positive sense.

      However, sex can also impact emotional connection in a negative sense. Numerous studies and anecdotal evidence tells us that many people feel that their partners “use” them during sex, they feel that their partners are selfish lovers and that they are nothing more than an object of gratification, they feel abused during sex, or they feel “bored” by their sex lives. In any of these scenarios, sex can create feelings of anger, resentment, fear, and rejection – which actually fuels emotional “disconnection.”

      So, like many questions of this sort, I think the answer is…it does it in both a positive and a negative way.

    • Photo: Ben Kenward

      Ben Kenward answered on 21 Jun 2017:

      Rose is absolutely right that stuff like this varies from couple to couple, but generally speaking it’s quite likely that on average sex does increase emotional closeness. See for example this easily understood summary of a recent study: https://www.psychologicalscience.org/news/releases/a-48-hour-sexual-afterglow-helps-to-bond-partners-over-time.html

      However, having sex with someone specifically in order to try and increase emotional connection is a problematic idea. The best sex is not done for ulterior motives.

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